New Fear

I wrote this post on June 7, but have taken my time in deciding to publish it.

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In losing Liam I had one of my worst fears realized. Today I had another of those fears realized.

I lost another pregnancy today. I'd only really known I was pregnant for about 4 days. My miscarriage this morning just felt like my period had come, and if I hadn't taken that early pregnancy test, I probably never would have known that wasn't what it was. But I had been feeling pregnancy symptoms early on, and my cycles were still unpredictable, so I went ahead and took a test and saw those two lines. I couldn't believe it could happen to us again so quickly.

That first day I was a wreck. I was so relieved to be pregnant again, but I was just terrified of losing another baby. Honestly, one of my greatest fears was of losing this pregnancy early and not knowing whether it was a baby or not.

We went to the temple that night and I got some comfort there. The next day I decided I was going to be hopeful instead of afraid. I very cautiously started calling whatever was inside me a baby. I still wasn't sure whether it was, but I figured it was better to have my own heart broken than to deny a baby's existence if a baby did in fact exist. I figured if I did lose this pregnancy early, I would just have to figure that all out when it happened.

And then it did happen.

I don't understand why this had to happen this way. I don't understand why God is allowing me to go through this. I don't understand why my hopes were allowed to rise just to be crushed a couple days later. I don't understand why after things have been so bad lately, God allowed them to get worse.

Kam and I talked about whether we think we lost another baby. We agreed that when a spirit enters a body is probably not so much about any exact moment, like conception, or the first heartbeat, or a certain number of weeks as it is about feeling that spirit. It's probably different for everyone, and probably only parents can tell whether they're missing a child or not. For us, it doesn't feel like anyone is missing this time. It doesn't feel like it did with Liam when we knew we were a family of three and that what used to be with us was suddenly gone. But my heart is still broken.

I had hoped to meet that spirit, and now there's no one to meet. I had thought I'd have Liam in September, and that was taken away. And then I'd thought we'd have another baby, a living baby, in February, and now that's not happening either. I just don't know. I don't know how I can ever look at a positive pregnancy test again and honestly believe a living baby will come of it. I don't know if I can even believe we ever will have a living baby. And if we do, I have no way of knowing how many losses I have to go through before that will happen, or which pregnancy will be the one that sticks.

It was easier to believe Liam's death wasn't my fault. This loss feels more personal. This loss seems more like a label. I'm the woman who can't bring a pregnancy to term. I'm the woman who can't have living babies. I'm the poor woman no one wants to be.

I honestly don't know what to do next. I'm writing this only because I can't imagine a single reason for why I'd have to go through this if it's not to be able to empathize with other women who have felt the pain of an early loss. That used to be something I couldn't imagine. Unfortunately now I can. My heart goes out to you ladies. I don't know how to find words for this kind of pain.