Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Gratitude After Stillbirth

Noticing one of the blankets from the hospital in my closet, I shocked myself with the sudden thought, "I want to do that again."

Of course I don't want to lose a baby again. But there was a sweetness in the hospital despite all of our pain. I still ache for the future I was planning, but I know that was never Heavenly Father's plan for Liam, so I try not to dwell on "would have beens." This is the only way it was ever going to be. With that perspective, it's easier to be grateful for this experience, rather than feeling robbed.

I'm grateful God answered my prayer for a baby. I know He knows how important this is to me.

I'm grateful God always gave me just the right answers at the right times. I used to pray over how I would afford to pay the mortgage if I had to take time off work to take care of a baby, and the only feeling I ever got was that I didn't need to worry about it right then, which was always frustrating at the time. But now I'm just grateful that God never gave me a misleading answer. He always knew this was what Liam's life would be.

I'm grateful I got to keep Liam as long as I did. We got to find out his gender and have a party celebrating his life once before he left. This allowed us to name him before we went into the hospital to be induced. I even got to feel him kick just once, and I treasure that.

I'm grateful I got to give birth to Liam. I'm even grateful I got to feel the contractions. I got to do one normal thing that mothers do for their children, and in that moment I felt so much closer to him.

I'm grateful I got to have my best friend by my side. I have never felt so much love for Kam as in those first few days after we got the bad news. He was an incredible support in grief and labor, and even more impressive was the strength of his faith. He was my rock when I questioned the eternal outcome for our little family.

I'm grateful I got to hold Liam and see my and my sweet husband's features in his face. It is such a testimony of how real he was and is.

I am grateful I have a faith in my Heavenly Father and in His plan for His children. I know He loves each of us, and because of that I have faith that we can all be together again, and that we will have an opportunity to raise Liam in a much better world than this one.

I am grateful Liam is safe. I know he is taken care of by our Heavenly Father, and I feel that he is happy. He is strong and busy. I don't know exactly what he's doing, but I'm sure it's something important to helping our family to be together again in heaven.

I'm grateful for my love for Liam. The cliche about having love and lost is actually quite profound when you've been through it.

I'm grateful I have a son. It may not have happened how I planned or even how I wanted, but I would never wish to go back to before I was pregnant with him. The heartache is worth knowing he's mine.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

William Knightley

Still trying to gather the courage to post actual words about this experience, but I wanted to share some pictures of Liam for those who would like to see them.

(13 weeks)
I also came across this song by Ed Sheeran today. I've always loved Ed Sheeran, so it was touching to hear a song from him about an experience almost identical to ours.