A Strange Validation

You know that feeling when you wake up from a good dream and try to explain it to someone else, but as you try to explain it you realize it doesn't actually make any sense, so it's hard to say why it made you so happy? I had one of those today, only it happened in real life. And I'm going to try to explain it anyway.

I was chatting with a coworker who was telling me his wife is expecting and that there's a large gap between this baby and the next youngest kid. And I asked what the gap was between his oldest and this baby, and he said about twelve years. So I mentioned that the gap between myself and my youngest brother is 13 years. Surprised, he asked me where I fell, and when I said I am the oldest, he cut me off and said something along the lines of,

"Oh, that's right. I remember you told me that! Yeah, you've been a mom for like forever! Cause you were the oldest and you had all those brothers and sisters-- You were a mom from since like, when you were born!"

Which obviously makes no logical sense. I am still wondering what that sounded like in his head. But at the same time... I don't think he has any idea how much that means to me.

I don't often tell acquaintances how much I want to be a mom. Especially not at work. And I honestly don't remember ever having a conversation with this guy about how many siblings I have. And I don't think this particular coworker even knows about Liam. So I have no idea how he nailed such a poignant topic for me. But I have always wanted to be a mom. And I've felt, for a long time that it's my calling, as cliché as that sounds. And recently, I often feel that it's unattainable, that I am not living up to my potential, and that I'm not fulfilling my calling in life--because I don't have any children here with me.

But somehow, even though I can't understand it, someone thinks it makes sense to say I've been a mom since I was born. (And someone I respect, for the record. Most of the stuff this guy says does make sense.) I wish I knew what that is supposed to mean, but even still, it makes my heart happy. It feels right on some level. And that's comforting. Maybe even if I don't understand it yet, there's more to being a mom than I give myself credit for.

New Fear

I wrote this post on June 7, but have taken my time in deciding to publish it.

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In losing Liam I had one of my worst fears realized. Today I had another of those fears realized.

I lost another pregnancy today. I'd only really known I was pregnant for about 4 days. My miscarriage this morning just felt like my period had come, and if I hadn't taken that early pregnancy test, I probably never would have known that wasn't what it was. But I had been feeling pregnancy symptoms early on, and my cycles were still unpredictable, so I went ahead and took a test and saw those two lines. I couldn't believe it could happen to us again so quickly.

That first day I was a wreck. I was so relieved to be pregnant again, but I was just terrified of losing another baby. Honestly, one of my greatest fears was of losing this pregnancy early and not knowing whether it was a baby or not.

We went to the temple that night and I got some comfort there. The next day I decided I was going to be hopeful instead of afraid. I very cautiously started calling whatever was inside me a baby. I still wasn't sure whether it was, but I figured it was better to have my own heart broken than to deny a baby's existence if a baby did in fact exist. I figured if I did lose this pregnancy early, I would just have to figure that all out when it happened.

And then it did happen.

I don't understand why this had to happen this way. I don't understand why God is allowing me to go through this. I don't understand why my hopes were allowed to rise just to be crushed a couple days later. I don't understand why after things have been so bad lately, God allowed them to get worse.

Kam and I talked about whether we think we lost another baby. We agreed that when a spirit enters a body is probably not so much about any exact moment, like conception, or the first heartbeat, or a certain number of weeks as it is about feeling that spirit. It's probably different for everyone, and probably only parents can tell whether they're missing a child or not. For us, it doesn't feel like anyone is missing this time. It doesn't feel like it did with Liam when we knew we were a family of three and that what used to be with us was suddenly gone. But my heart is still broken.

I had hoped to meet that spirit, and now there's no one to meet. I had thought I'd have Liam in September, and that was taken away. And then I'd thought we'd have another baby, a living baby, in February, and now that's not happening either. I just don't know. I don't know how I can ever look at a positive pregnancy test again and honestly believe a living baby will come of it. I don't know if I can even believe we ever will have a living baby. And if we do, I have no way of knowing how many losses I have to go through before that will happen, or which pregnancy will be the one that sticks.

It was easier to believe Liam's death wasn't my fault. This loss feels more personal. This loss seems more like a label. I'm the woman who can't bring a pregnancy to term. I'm the woman who can't have living babies. I'm the poor woman no one wants to be.

I honestly don't know what to do next. I'm writing this only because I can't imagine a single reason for why I'd have to go through this if it's not to be able to empathize with other women who have felt the pain of an early loss. That used to be something I couldn't imagine. Unfortunately now I can. My heart goes out to you ladies. I don't know how to find words for this kind of pain.

Reasons

Reasons Why I'm Afraid to Get Pregnant Again

1. Losing another baby.
2. Feeling like I'm replacing Liam.
3. Other people assuming I'm okay now that I'm pregnant again, or once I have a living baby.
4. Taking care of a baby while grieving my first baby.
5. Making people uncomfortable when they ask whether this is my first or how many kids I have.
6. Never having a living baby.
7. Losing my baby at any age after birth.
8. Being a bad mother to either of my babies.
9. Not enjoying my pregnancy and regretting missing out on it.
10. Admitting to people that I'm pregnant again this soon, especially at work, where I had to take a lot of time off.
11. People assuming that I didn't take enough time to grieve and I'm making a mistake.
12. Making Liam's life seem any less real.
13. Being able to keep up with a rambunctious child after this sobering experience.
14. Becoming a helicopter parent.
15. Loving one of my children more, or causing them to think so.
16. Losing a pregnancy early and having to deal with that loss without knowing as much about the baby as I did with Liam (and struggling to know whether it was a baby yet).
17. People not talking about Liam anymore, or forgetting to include him in our family.

The Conversation

Sometimes I imagine a conversation with God that I've never physically had, but because He knows what I would say, we may as well have.

I say, "God, I want a baby, please. I'll do anything for my baby."

And He says, "Okay. I have the perfect little boy for you waiting for a family."

I say, "Great! I'll do anything for that to happen!"

And He says, "Okay. He needs a mother who will carry him so he can recieve a body."

I'm nodding eagerly. I'm thinking that's what I've always wanted.

"And he needs a mother who will watch him go."

And now I'm confused.

"He needs parents who will endure when he dies after just a few weeks in his new body. He needs parents who can receive the bad news and stay close together. He needs a mother who will deliver his body even though he will no longer be occupying it. He needs parents who can withstand the grief and pain of missing him while they remain on the earth, so they can continue towards the Celestial Kingdom to be with this little boy again. He needs parents who will love him through all of this."

I imagine my mouth has dropped by now.

And He says, "Do you still want this baby? If you're willing to do that, he's yours. But that's what this baby needs. It's up to you to decide. If you aren't up to it, that's ok. I'll give him to someone else. But I know he would be perfect for your family."

Of course God knows I'm going to say yes. That's why we have never actually had this conversation  (that I know of...). He knows what I would say, so he's giving me what I would have wanted. I just never knew I'd have the strength to do it until I had no other choice.

Now that I'm thinking of getting pregnant again, I'm getting really scared. I'm not sure I want to go through that again knowing what I know now. Knowing happiness isn't guaranteed at the end of nine months. And knowing being pregnant again will never bring Liam back, even though it was how I brought him into the world the first time. But I don't want to be scared. That's not fair to my second baby. I want to be everything I was for Liam for this next baby, too...

"God, I'd like to have another baby."

"Okay. This baby needs a mother who will carry her so she can receive a body. I know that will be hard for you now. She'll need lots of attention, and it will make it difficult for you to find time to grieve. But she also needs wise parents who will love her, and I know you'd be able to do that."

And I said it before, and it would be a lie if I didn't live up to it now.

"I'll do anything for my baby."

What I Believe

...wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them...

...teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children.

And their little children need no repentance, neither baptism...

But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!

Wherefore, if little children could not be saved without baptism, these must have gone to an endless hell.

...

For awful is the wickedness to suppose that God saveth one child because of baptism, and the other must perish because he hath no baptism.

...

And I am filled with charity, which is everlasting love; wherefore, all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakers of salvation.

Little children cannot repent; wherefore, it is awful wickedness to deny the pure mercies of God unto them, for they are all alive in him because of his mercy.

And he that saith that little children need baptism denieth the mercies of Christ, and setteth at naught the atonement of him and the power of his redemption.

-From the Book of Mormon in Moroni Chapter 8 verses 10-20.

When I first lost Liam I felt like this scripture was somewhat comforting, because at least I knew Liam wasn't being punished for never having been baptized. But I also wished it spoke more to my situation. I know birth is a pretty important aspect of God's plan for His children, and I also knew Liam's spirit left his body before his body was born. So what did that mean? Did that mean he'd never really been born? What would that mean for my baby's salvation? Yeah, ok, he didn't need to be baptized. That's good. But that wasn't enough to calm my heart.

I am sure Liam's spirit had been with us. There have been times I've doubted it, but I've always come back to the thought that if he was never really here, why did I feel so much like something was missing? I'm not talking about missing the possibility of having a baby or the excitement of being pregnant. I've mostly come to terms with giving those things up (at least for now). I miss a personality that slipped into my life so tenderly and so slowly that I didn't realize how much I had felt him with me until he was gone.

For a while I just trusted in my own testimony of God's love and thought whatever the answer was about Liam's salvation, it had to be loving and fair. I didn't have much to go on, but I reasoned that there were only two possibilities. Either Liam had been here, or he hadn't. And if he had been here, God had to be taking care of him now. And if he hadn't... that wasn't possible, because I already knew he was. (If anyone can tell whether a baby is really a baby, it's that baby's mother and father. No one could be more qualified.) So that left one possibility. Liam had to be safe, somehow.

Recently I gave a lesson in church on sharing your love for the Book of Mormon and challenged everyone to share something about the Book of Mormon. I decided to try to find a scripture for those who had been through a similar situation to my own. It wasn't until I reread these scriptures that I found support for what I already suspected to be true. I want to emphasize a few of my favorite parts.

...teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children.
A promise that parents can be with their children again.

But little children are alive in Christ, even from the foundation of the world; if not so, God is a partial God, and also a changeable God, and a respecter to persons; for how many little children have died without baptism!
God is fair. He does not punish His children for things outside their control.

And I am filled with charity, which is everlasting love; wherefore, all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakers of salvation.
Christ loves all children, and all little children are saved.

And he that saith that little children need baptism denieth the mercies of Christ, and setteth at naught the atonement of him and the power of his redemption.
Because of His love for little children, God prepared a plan of mercy through Jesus Christ's atonement so they can all be saved, even without baptism.

My rereading rung in my mind as if Christ is pleading for the reader to understand how important these little children are to him. Almost as if to say, "How could you think something as trivial as whether a little child has been baptized could deny that child salvation? Have I not suffered enough to pay for something that simple? Do you not think I love my children enough to provide them mercy over a technicality?"

Another section of this chapter reads,

Behold I say unto you, that he that supposeth that little children need baptism is in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity; for he hath neither faith, hope, nor charity; wherefore, should he be cut off while in the thought, he must go down to hell.

Which sounds incredibly condemning. But I have found many of the warnings in the scriptures describe natural consequences of sin rather than arbitrary punishments. I know first hand how much faith, hope, and charity living without my baby takes. To believe my baby was not saved, especially because of something so unfair as not having the opportunity to be baptized, would certainly cast be into a "gall of bitterness." And if I were to die still believing I could never be with my son again, could I imagine that future as anything but hell? Even this scripture seems to me to be a plea from Christ for each of us to "get it." Because it is so important to Him, and to us.

I know the LDS church doesn't have any cut and dry doctrine about miscarriage or stillbirth. And I don't pretend to know more than anyone else about it. But I do know that these scriptures are true. The Book of Mormon is meant for each of us, right now, in our own situations. This experience, among many others, is proof to me that it is meant for me in my life. Its words are true. Christ loves all of his children--all of us. He has suffered infinitely so that we can be with Him and our Heavenly Father again, forever. And all little children are saved. And to me, this includes Liam, my very little child.

I love the Book of Mormon. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I love my God, my Heavenly Father. I thank Him for blessing me with my little family and know He loves us and watches over us.

---

Feel free to ask me more about what I believe.

Another

Last night I got the first sign that my cycles might be going back to normal, and it was a relief as I started to imagine the possibility of getting pregnant again. My sentiment about it has changed. I used to be excited about the miracle of growing a baby inside me--feeling the kicks, watching my belly expand, even the mourning sickness. I can honestly say that in some sense, I am not looking forward to being pregnant again. I am not looking forward to going through the first trimester again. I am not looking forward to the worry of wondering whether my baby's heart is still beating. I am not looking forward to telling myself not to feel guilty that someone new is occupying Liam's only earthly home. But I am looking forward to having another baby.

I keep thinking that. "We're gonna have another baby." Maybe not quite yet. But I feel confident that someday, somehow...

I want to be sure I'm clear about what "another" means to me. "Another" does not mean a different baby. It means a second baby. Two babies. That's all I've been able to think about all day. Two babies. How could I be so blessed to be preparing for a life in which I have two babies, when less than a year ago I was wondering whether I would ever have one?

Of course, it's still not exactly what I wanted. I miss Liam. But today I'm just grateful he exists. Grateful that I have one baby. Have... had... will have... There's something weird about tenses now.

Ever since losing Liam, I've started to believe time is somehow different from how we feel it. I don't know what that means exactly. But some days I focus on how I had Liam, and some days I focus on how I will have Liam again. But today I'm focusing on how I have Liam right now. And maybe it's that confusion of tenses that has the back-of-my-mind voice whispering "I have two babies," all day today. Because I obviously don't have two babies. At least not in my arms, or even in my belly. But I feel like somehow, I do.

...

Of course there are still things I worry about. I'm not overly excited about re-entering the world where disappointment is met with a tissue and a tampon. And on top of the agonizing two week wait I know too well, I will have to learn to breathe through counting down the days of a nine month pregnancy. But mostly I worry about being a good mother.

Every mother wonders that. I still struggle to remember that I am a mother and my motherhood counts. But if motherhood is defined by how often you ask yourself "if you're a good mother," I count like the vampire on Sesame Street.

Around 2 am last night I found myself praying that if we do get pregnant again, I will be a good mother to both of my children. And if I am blessed with a living child, that I will have the strength and talents I need to mother both a baby on earth and a baby in heaven. I don't want either of my babies to feel like I love one less than the other. It's inevitable that they will not be getting attention in the same ways. I was already worried about my adequacy when I was pregnant with Liam. But this is a situation I had never even considered preparing myself for.

My sweetest and strongest answers to prayers have often come as thoughts I wouldn't normally have on my own. This was the case last night. For someone with as many doubts as I have, the voice of confidence and reassurance that came to my mind last night certainly wasn't mine. That thought blessed me with the feeling of being in the right place at the right time. Which is a welcome change.

So, I feel pretty good today. If you can't tell from the Sesame Street joke. (Goodness, I hope that you got that, or I will be really embarrassed.)

Of course I still miss Liam. But I miss him with hope. I have a firm hope of being with him again and seeing him smile and run and grow. But I'm still learning to hope. Today I'm learning to hope for a sibling for Liam. For two babies.

The Need to be Excited Again

I worry a little about posting this not because it's raw or painful, but because it's almost too hopeful. I'm afraid of a lot of things coming out of this... jynxing myself, having my beliefs challenged, causing concern over my coping mechanisms, getting flooded with conception advice, offending others who are still grieving... One of my biggest worries, though, is that others will assume this means I'm "okay" now. As much as I think we'd all like and might even expect that, it's not happening today. I'm not even sure what it means. Something I never understood before I lost Liam was just how present happiness and sadness can be in one heart at the same time. With all that said, I'm going to continue to be hopeful and post anyway.

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Sometimes I imagine my next baby. I like to try to be optimistic and most of me really does believe that I'll have one. And if I really am going to have another baby, I'd like to get excited about that prospect, like I used to be excited. I used to be excited about all of the babies I imagined having, not just Liam. But now it seems hard to be excited about anyone else. On a good day, a really cute onesie just makes me hope heaven will have witty onesies and matching outfits for Liam and Kam. On a bad day... I don't want to imagine ever having another baby at all; Liam's the only one that can fill my void. So while scrolling through pinterest looking for "cute baby things" seems to be a lost cause (I've tried it. I want it to work.), I still can't help but think about the other babies that I believe I will have.

I feel like I owe something to them. But I also feel guilty about getting excited over them instead of crying over Liam. It makes it nearly impossible to do. But when I'm fair with myself I acknowledge that Liam would want for me to be happy and excited over his siblings as much as anyone else would. He'd be excited too, if he were here. Maybe he is excited.

I am their mother just as much as I am Liam's. I just haven't met them yet. And in a way, they're all equally far away right now. I just miss the one I know the best, and I know I'll have to wait the longest to see again. That's fair. But these other babies do deserve something from me. Maybe it's ok not to be excited about them yet. I know it's ok to mourn. But when they do come, I'll want to be excited instead of worried or afraid or angry. I want them to get all the attention I gave Liam when I was still naive and giddy about pregnancy. But right now it almost sounds like a burden. As much as I really do want to feel that way, actually achieving it seems unattainable.

But there is one thing that makes me hopeful, and almost excited. When I imagine my next baby, I imagine a little girl. She's brass and energetic and rascally. She doesn't sit still, and it's difficult to have a serious conversation with her. She's a rebel without a cause. But she's extremely passionate about life, and she loves deeply. She demands attention.

Honestly, she scares me a little.

She sounds exactly like what I need right now. And I don't know if that's because she's out there and she is what I need right now, or if my brain just knows what I want to hear at this hard time. Either way, I like the thought of having a baby who makes her own excitement and demands my attention. She wouldn't allow me to miss out on the other experiences I have always wanted to have, just because I'm holding out for one very important one. I hope she is out there. She would stretch me farther than I think I can go, but I think I need the pull.

And maybe we're just what a little girl like that needs. We're learning patience, and probably a whole lot of other things I don't understand yet. And there's no doubt she'd be wanted. She'd be prayed and wished and worried into existence. She'd have the perfect older brother watching over her, and I sometimes think she'd desperately need that. The idea that this could all actually be what our whole family needs and was meant to be, that actually is exciting. I know I thought my plan was better. Sometimes I still think so. But I'm happy to be wrong. I'd be very very happy to find out this is better than it seems, and even better than I planned.

So, while images of tiny dresses and pinterest parenting tips don't do it for me anymore, I am excited. If she's out there... Come down, baby girl, because I want to meet you.

Play with Chloe

As it's been like, a month since my last real blog post, I feel like I should have some funny stories to catch everyone up on, but I was seriously drawing a blank until after Nursery today. So, yay for nursery!

Nursery has been a little more of a handful than it used to be for us. When school ended, two out of three of our nursery kids moved away, which I was really sad about. And I was worried we'd have a really tiny class for the summer. I was so wrong. We have 5 kids now, and we'll soon be getting a 6th. So that's 4 (soon 5) kids who are all under the age of two, that we haven't bonded too much with yet. Luckily, we got a new couple to help us (our old team teachers had moved away at the end of the school year, too) just in time. After nursery today I lay down for a little while and realized how sore my arm was just from holding and rocking little kids for 2 hours. It then crossed my mind that I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I realized even though nursery is so exhausting, it is a lot more rewarding than sitting at my computer at work, and I would much rather be chasing kids around. That said, I only have to handle nursery for 2 hours a week, and I have to work at least 16 hours a week, so that could be a contributing factor...

The one little girl who used to be in our class is the one who stayed after the school year ended. She's almost two now, and the oldest out of everyone in our class. She can speak in whole sentences, which makes her one of the easiest kids to take care of. Plus, she knows both Kam and I really well. We're good friends with her family. And, she just became a big sister! Which I'm sure is exciting (and all other kinds of feelings) for her. Kam and I adore this little girl. Frankly, it's hard not to play favorites when she's the only one of the kids you know very well, and you loved her so much already.

The other kids are all super fun. And it's exciting to get to know them better and figure out what they like, and what their mannerisms are. One little boy sat on my lap and cuddled into me and handed me some books to read. That just makes my heart melt. There's something about reading books to boys. I also had to fish a goldfish cracker out of a tape player today, which was surprisingly amusing. Especially when the little girl who put it in there understood when I ask her to pull it back out because her hands can fit and yours can't. Kam even took a video on his phone of one of our boys showing off his killer dance moves, which involved kicking his legs as high as he could and twisting his whole body.

(It was funny to hear my voice talking to all the kids in that video Kam took. At the time I felt a little bit frazzled trying to clean up goldfish and play dough before they got stepped on while chasing two kids around the table and trying to make sure a third didn't get run over. But then I heard my voice on that video saying, "So-and-so, do you want to come over here and dance. Oh, be careful, don't fall over." And it makes me think: Man, how could we possibly have been so serious about doing this. Ha ha.)

But there's a special place in my heart for this first little girl we had in our class. I was trying to take care of another one of our kids for the first half of class, and while I was holding her and trying to find a toy she was interested in, this first little girl ran up and hugged me around my leg. I said hi to her and thanked her for the hug, but I couldn't really do much more than that with my arms full. A little while later I did get to play with her how I'd wanted, and we played a little tag, and danced, and talked about her pretty dress. Then, as class was ending, I told her to get her shoes and she sat in my lap as I put them on, and then her dad picked her up and she waved good-bye to us, and that was all pretty typical. It was after she left that her mom came up to us and thanked us for our help and told us, "Every Sunday as we're walking to church, [my daughter] says, 'Go to church, play with Chloe?'" It probably took me a few minutes to realize I was like, glowing because of that comment. I probably looked pretty silly, just standing there with my face like, "Really?" It really made me smile. As we were walking home, though, I got to hear it for myself. This little girl was walking just a few steps behind us, talking to her mom. She was just babbling, one three word sentence after another, all of which her mom understood and replied to. Then I heard her say, "Play with Chloe?" and when I turned around she was pointing at me. And her mom said, "Yeah, you got to play with Chloe at church today. Say bye to Chloe." And so she pouted a little bit, but waved and said, "Bye, Chloe" perfectly. I waved and said bye to her and turned back around, and then I heard her babbling to her mom some more--it sounded like she was still talking about how she wanted to keep playing. Her mom changed the subject a little and asked who else was at nursery and what she did there. But part of me was thinking, "Oh, just let her come over and play! I don't mind! Play with Chloe!" But the other part of me was like, "I don't want to get involved... And also, I want a nap." And that part won. But as soon as we got home Kam mimicked her, "Play with Chloe?" Man. That made my day.

I love this calling. Having the opportunity to play with other people's kids (and eventually give them back) is a huge blessing. Not only is it fun, but it's impressive what you can learn from such humble spirits. They are so eager and willing to learn and love. It makes me think there are some things we should really learn not to grow out of.

Milk Myth

It's time again for Pin Busters!

I seriously have no idea if anyone thinks this is a good idea but me, but hey. If this bores you to sleep, you can just keep waiting for the next post.

So, on pinterest I happened upon this infographic about breast milk. Now, there are a lot of  fact/fictions to deal with there, and I DO NOT want to open up the breast-feeding debate here. Do what's right for you, there.

However, I did find one section of this infographic particularly interesting.

"Breast milk changes during the day. Morning milk helps baby wake up; evening milk helps baby fall asleep."

What the what! I had never heard of something like that before! (And I like to read all kinds of nerdy health facts!) That's almost like, some sort of sci-fi or something!

So I had to investigate. Luckily, the infographic cited a few sources. I found the news article that briefed one doctor's findings about changes in breast milk in the morning and evening, but it was very vague and dumbed down. I'm not dumb!

So, I looked up that source! (I'm almost like a detective now, right?) Which was in the periodical, "Nutritional Neuroscience."

And BYU had it! So I found the article, and this was the title, "The possible role of human milk nucleotides as sleep inducers." And it just got better from there.

Holy big words batman.

After much decoding, I feel fairly confident that I can give you the Chloe-language version of this particular scientific article.

A bunch of scientists got together and took some "human milk samples" and used "capillary electrophoresis," which basically means some awesome science experiment where you shock stuff, to separate the nucleotides (molecules that make up things like DNA) from each other. They then ran tests to find out when these nucleotides were at their peak and found that two of five nucleotides peaked at night while another two of five peaked during the day. They found these results to be statistically significant at a p value of 5%, which basically means they are 95% confident that these findings are accurate (which is a pretty big deal in the science world, from what I can tell).

So what does this all mean?

It means this crazy sci-fi milk myth might be right! This test seems to be pretty strong evidence that there are different nutrients in morning and evening breast milk. If these nutrients effect your baby and by how much, it's hard to say. But at least to the statement, "Breast milk changes during the day," I think I can confidently state that this myth is



Which is pretty neat!

(And personally, if breast milk's genetic makeup changes during the day, it seems to me that this has to affect your baby at least a little bit. Why else would your body do that? Just a personal opinion though.)

So, random breast milk infographic designer, color me impressed. And thanks for citing your sources, too. Makes my work much easier.

Let me know what you think of these posts. Love them, hate them? Want me to research something? Just asking for a little interaction!

Best Calling Ever

Before this morning it had been about 3 weeks since I last got to help teach Nursery, because one week I'd been sick, and the week before that was Stake Conference. And I'll admit, I was staring at babies on campus all week thinking, "Man, I've gotta go play with those nursery kids and get my cuteness fix."

They did not disappoint.

Last week the other couple we teach with, Robby and Hilary, found out that one of our girls loves bubbles. So when she normally takes a little while to calm down after leaving her mom or dad, this time we got the bubbles out and as Kam put it, "Daddy who?" She was all over those bubbles. I had never seen her so excited before.

She was the only one of our kids who showed up for the first hour, so she was just living in a toddler paradise. Tons of toys you don't have at home and 4 adults who have nothing better to do than entertain you. When she got tired of the bubbles she looked through the toy box and eventually decided Hilary's shoes were the most interesting item in the room. Hilary let her wear them, and it was really impressive how well she could walk around in shoes the size of her entire leg. After about an hour of playtime to herself, one of our little boys joined us and we got snacks ready.

Let me just put a plug in for how good these kids are. They are so well-behaved. We can give each of them a snack and show them a table and they'll walk right over and climb up into their chairs and color and eat and they are completely content. They let us clean their hands and faces and don't whine; (My little siblings hated that. Sorry little siblings, but it's true.) in fact they like washing their hands. So parents, if you're reading this, we love your kids, and we're impressed. (Little siblings, I love you too, even though you didn't like having your faces washed. Heck, I probably didn't like it either.)

One of the funniest parts of the day was when Robby decided to give both of our little kids high fives. They both understood the concept, but this little boy just liked to get so geared up before it. By the time he actually gave you a high five, he was making this crazy intense, "I'm the coolest man in the room, BAM!" face, and we could not stop laughing. What made it even better, was that even our little girl thought it was hilarious. She would laugh so hard every time Robby gave this little boy a high five. At first we thought, "Oh, she loves it. She must want a high five, too." So we'd give her a high five, but she was just impatient for Robby to give the little boy a high five again. If they didn't get back to it quickly enough for her she'd grab the little boy's hand and then grab Robby's hand and try to make her intentions clear. Then this little boy would give another high five (He had no problem with that. He was feeling pretty fly.) completely oblivious to the little girl sitting next to him who was covering her face and drowning in giggles.

After that Kam taught this little boy how to ride the Sit-and-spin. (You guys remember those?) That was another adventure. I can't really describe how hilarious that was without you seeing this little boy's face. He is one of the most expressive little kids I've ever seen. At one point, he got a little tipsy and fell back off that Sit-and-spin. It happened really slowly, so he didn't hurt himself, and he didn't even look that upset, except that when I went over to help him up he had this accusing, "Um, what just happened?" look on his face that made me laugh so hard I almost forgot to help him up.

There's one more crazy image from today that I just can't get over. This little girl can't seem to get enough of Kam. Towards the end of the day he told me, "If you put your arms out, she'll give you a hug." So I tried it, and she did. She'd give a hug to anyone who put their arms out for her. But afterwards she'd look back at Kam and see if he was ready for her to run back and give him a hug again. Once while Kam was on Sit-and-spin safety watch, she ran up and tried to get on his back. It was just so funny to see her two tiny arms barely making it over Kam's shoulders. He could like, eat her. Not that he would. That sounded weird. I just mean, she is so tiny in comparison to him. I sometimes feel like I'm small enough to fit inside Kam, and she only comes up to my knees. But she is so not deterred by that. Kam's just like her giant teddy bear. She figured him out, alright.

So, yeah. We pretty much have the best three hours of church each week. We try to teach a short lesson each week, but I learn a lot more from those kids than I'm sure they learn from me. Our lesson this week was "Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ Love You." It's a simple truth, but it almost seems like a paradox for me to try to teach those kids about love. They just love everybody. It kind of reminds you how simple love like that really is.

P.S.!!!

Kam and I got a calling in our new ward! We were called as...

Nursery leaders!

(For those of you who aren't in on the Mormon lingo, that means we take care of (and teach to whatever degree that's possible) the 18 month - 3 year olds during Sunday School so their parents can listen to lessons/perform other church duties.)

Those of you that know us well probably know how we feel about that.

We have three really cute kids. They're all pretty young (barely talking), so it's hard to have much of a formal lesson, but they sure are fun to play with! We teach with another couple, so that we can trade off each week, but today we just all worked together, and we're thinking we might keep doing that. It's nice to be able to out number the kids.

My favorite part was holding one of the boys until he stopped crying. After a while of that, he cheered up and started playing, but he wanted me to go with him everywhere.

A close second was seeing another little boy contently play with toys by himself and hearing Kam call him over from across the room because Kam was getting bored and wanted to play!

I have a feeling we're going to get some good stories out of this calling.

To top it off, this was in the scriptures Kam and I read last night: The Lord commands us to become "... as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19) I'll admit many of the traits that first come to mind when describing small children are not exactly those I would like to emulate. But thinking back on those kids, I'm a little surprised at how applicable that scripture is. I'm sure I have a lot to learn from them.