Mine

I'm proud of my family.

There was a time, as embarrassing as this is to admit, when I thought of pregnancy as a race. What's even more embarrassing is that time wasn't that long ago. But I didn't necessarily feel rushed because of outside pressure quite so much as my own expectations of what was fair. I knew I wanted a baby. I had always wanted a baby. I knew I wanted a baby more than her. And therefore, the universe should prove it by giving me a baby first. I wanted the world to see how much I wanted this baby by me popping one out at the first possible opportunity.

Pretty flawed thinking.

I've recently started to wonder whether it's the women who want children the most who have to endure infertility and loss. And I don't have any idea why that is... except that maybe God knows those are the women willing to give the most for their children. Those are the women with the strength and love to welcome babies whose plans require grief and longing.

I'm honored to be one of those mothers.

Our story often looks sad, and dark, and even ugly. I struggle when strangers ask if we have any children. Or when I imagine taking family pictures. I want to include Liam. But never in a way that would make him appear ugly. He's my baby. My happy, perfect baby. I don't want the circumstances of his birth to taint that.

I have often lamented the fact that Kam and I had to be introduced to parenthood through such sorrow. But when I think of the alternative--I know there's no way Liam could have been added to our lives in any other way, and I would never give that up.

I don't care anymore about the imaginary race I entered myself in. I don't care that her family looks the way it's "supposed" to, while my family pictures will be missing one beautiful face. I don't know what my family pictures will look like ten years from now. Maybe Liam will have cookie-cutter siblings, or maybe we'll be adding faces who are obviously not biologically related. Maybe there will be many faces, and maybe there will be only a few. And maybe (heaven forbid) we'll even be missing another face or two. But it will be my own beautiful family, and no one elses, nor would I want it to be. And no matter how I add to it, I am blessed for the addition.