Monday, June 15, 2015

A Hope Perspective

The events of the past two and a half months have tainted my optimism. I know, logically, that things sometimes still work out. But I also know that statistically, Liam shouldn't have died, and statistically, most subsequent pregnancies after loss are successful, but mine wasn't, so it's easy to believe that luck isn't on my side. And when luck isn't on your side, it's easier to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised when you're wrong.

So that's what I was doing about this volunteer position at the hospital. I applied on Wednesday last week with the expectation that I would never hear back from them. I mentioned the position to only a few people and quickly put together a back up plan. But the truth is, this is really important to me.

So when I got a call back from the hospital this morning asking me to interview, I was shocked.

The only problem with expecting the worst is that the smallest good news seems really big. So now my heart is pulling in two directions. Hopefulness at getting this position, and preparation for disappointment.

Honestly, I am more excited than I have been...  probably since Liam died. Which is refreshing. Until the voice in my head that doesn't think about what it's saying blurts out, "This fixes everything!"

No it doesn't. Stupid.

But it does feel like where I'm supposed to be.

Ugh, I want so badly to be excited, I'm gonna cry.

At work.


But they called me back. I never thought that would happen.

But I still have to interview. What am I going to say when they ask me why I want to volunteer? What if my answer isn't good enough?

I want to tell them that I want something good to come out of all of this bad. That if I can help other people because of what I've gone through, some how, then it's almost like Liam is helping them, and that's what I'd want for him, because that's who he is.

But what if they think I'm still too emotional or too deep in my grief to help other people? What if my reason is too selfish? I mean, it is kind of selfish. But don't they have a right to know? They need volunteers who can actually help them, and if they think I can't do it... I mean, I can, but... well, what if they're right?

Maybe it's just not time yet. But I'm sick of it not being time yet. It was time for Liam to go. Can't it be time for something good already?

Ugh. I want this so bad. I hope that's okay...

Stupid death. Makes emotions so complicated now.

Happy is guilty. And excited is scared. And sad is safe. And longing is breathing...

I guess that's not an emotion, but that's what it is.

But that's exactly what I want to fix. I don't want the result of Liam's life to be heartache. At least, I don't want that to be all. He's special. He's my son. The world needs to be better because he was here.

Ugh. This blog post might just be more evidence that I'm not ready for this volunteer position. Maybe they can just put me in the gift shop? I swear I don't cry all the time...

But it just felt so good to be excited again this morning. To have some hope for something new and good in my life. And to feel something old and familiar. Something I thought I'd given up.

There was a moment before the fear set in when I was just filled with it. Where there was just excitement and nothing else. I guess regardless of what happens this time, it's nice to know I can feel that way at all.

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