Sunday, June 21, 2015

Sunday Morning Musings

I thought that after losing Liam it would be harder to see other people with young babies, but it hasn't been. Seeing pregnant women is still sometimes hard, but I rarely get jealous of other people's babies. Because they're not mine. They are adorable and they make me happy and sad at the same time. But they don't fill that void, they only soften my ache.

Then I look at my pictures of Liam and I think he's the cutest baby I've ever seen. He just looks right. And I know I must be a mother, because really, there are so many things about those pictures that are not right. But my baby is in them, and that's all that matters. Looking at those pictures used to make me cry. But now I look at them frequently just to remember. Just to be reminded of what's right and true. That I really do have a baby and that I really did give birth to him and hold him and look at his tiny face. Sometimes it all seems to heartbreaking to be real. But it not being real just feels wrong. Because it is wrong. It did happen. It is real. I really do have a baby. Who's just not here.

I'm an incredibly impatient person. Maybe that's why I'm made to wait so long to be with my son again. It's why I still don't like to see pregnant women. Because although I have a baby, I want to have him now, and part of me still thinks I should.

I also ache for my future babies. Not quite as strongly. They weren't here and gone again like Liam was. But I feel the same way about them being mine, and no other baby will fill the spot I have for them. And I long to see their beautiful faces. And I will admit, I hope they are biologically mine, so I can see Liam's face in theirs, but I'm not banking on it. I'm not giving up on it either, though. And I haven't learned patience quite yet.

I'm back in the two week wait again. Kam and I decided that after last month's loss we'd kind of take a break and not try so hard this month. Of course, for me that doesn't mean any less worrying or obsessing. It just means having less data to consider in my analysis. Which actually helps a little bit. But I am still me.

We took a vacation this weekend for Father's Day. The puppies are at grandma's house, and we went up to Kamas to do some camping, and then came back when we remembered that we don't like sleeping on the ground all that much. But it's been a really good weekend. I've genuinely enjoyed it. It's nice to have fun again. And I don't even feel guilty. Sometimes being very honest and factual with myself is what helps. This is what my life is now. No matter how much I don't like it. But that doesn't mean everything from here on out is going to be bad, either. Or that I should treat it that way.

I am a mother of a son who died. Nothing will ever change that. Yes, maybe I will be able to have more babies, and maybe they will be healthy and live long lives. And I shouldn't give up on that yet. But I will always be Liam's mother, too. And I need to find a way to go on living with that. Not despite it. To keep being Liam's mom, because I am and I can't pretend to be something that I'm not.

I'm not entirely sure how to do that yet. But it includes having fun vacations with Liam's daddy. So, I get one point on that front I think.

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