A Strange Validation

You know that feeling when you wake up from a good dream and try to explain it to someone else, but as you try to explain it you realize it doesn't actually make any sense, so it's hard to say why it made you so happy? I had one of those today, only it happened in real life. And I'm going to try to explain it anyway.

I was chatting with a coworker who was telling me his wife is expecting and that there's a large gap between this baby and the next youngest kid. And I asked what the gap was between his oldest and this baby, and he said about twelve years. So I mentioned that the gap between myself and my youngest brother is 13 years. Surprised, he asked me where I fell, and when I said I am the oldest, he cut me off and said something along the lines of,

"Oh, that's right. I remember you told me that! Yeah, you've been a mom for like forever! Cause you were the oldest and you had all those brothers and sisters-- You were a mom from since like, when you were born!"

Which obviously makes no logical sense. I am still wondering what that sounded like in his head. But at the same time... I don't think he has any idea how much that means to me.

I don't often tell acquaintances how much I want to be a mom. Especially not at work. And I honestly don't remember ever having a conversation with this guy about how many siblings I have. And I don't think this particular coworker even knows about Liam. So I have no idea how he nailed such a poignant topic for me. But I have always wanted to be a mom. And I've felt, for a long time that it's my calling, as cliché as that sounds. And recently, I often feel that it's unattainable, that I am not living up to my potential, and that I'm not fulfilling my calling in life--because I don't have any children here with me.

But somehow, even though I can't understand it, someone thinks it makes sense to say I've been a mom since I was born. (And someone I respect, for the record. Most of the stuff this guy says does make sense.) I wish I knew what that is supposed to mean, but even still, it makes my heart happy. It feels right on some level. And that's comforting. Maybe even if I don't understand it yet, there's more to being a mom than I give myself credit for.