Saturday, July 4, 2015


Today I might be pregnant.

It's actually a nice feeling, in a lot of ways. In a few short days I will either be pregnant or not pregnant (and realistically, probably the latter), but today I might be pregnant.

My very first two week wait ever, I thought a lot about Schroedinger's cat, and whether by that logic I was both pregnant and not pregnant at the same time. I liked the sound of the first part of the theory.

It's so easy to worry at this time of the month. But every once in a while I manage to take a deep breath and ask myself why I want so desperately to know the answer. If it's good, there will be no reason I should have worried. And if it's bad... why am I so desperate to start despairing about that early? So every once in a while I take a quiet minute to think, "I might be pregnant."

Which is a miracle, really, because most of the time trying not to worry is like trying not to think of a white elephant.

But I think it's important, probably. To take advantage of "mights." Because when I do become pregnant again I can either worry for nine months, or celebrate that I might have a baby.

Honestly, we're all living through mights all of the time. Every day you wake up might be the day you win the metaphorical lottery. If you think back on a day you were inextricably happy, did you wake up that morning knowing you would be? Maybe. Some days it's more obvious. I think of standing in the airport on the first day of my honeymoon, and yes, when I woke up that morning I figured I'd probably have a pretty good day. But what about the morning of my first date with Kam? I thought that might be a good day. And the first month after Kam and I started dating, I thought this might turn into something. Every good thing starts with a might.

Of course bad things might, too. But in a way, even that is a good thing. Because they only might, not definitely will. Not until they've come. When we decided to start trying for kids, there were a lot of bad mights. I told Kam all the time, "We might not get pregnant right away." What I was honestly thinking was, "We might never get pregnant." But we tried anyway, because we only might not get pregnant. And we didn't, for four months... until we did. And even then, in the back of my mind I knew we might not get to keep this baby. But we also might, and that was enough reason for us to move forward. That was enough reason to have tried in the first place. And that is a small victory over the fact that we ended up drawing the short straw out of 160 others that would have allowed our baby to live. The outcome doesn't change the fact that we acted. We believed he would live, because we believe in our son. That's what you do for your kids. You believe in them, and you give them everything you can, and you hope against all hope, and you hold on to them no matter what happens. That's all you can do. Every day. Because anything might happen. It's better than not acting. Not facing any might at all.

Today I might be pregnant. So I'd better enjoy it. Because tomorrow I might find out I'm not pregnant, and if that's the case, I'll be glad I enjoyed today, while I was still feeling hopeful. I'll be glad I spent the day making memories I can reflect on to cheer me up from the disappointment. I'll be glad I spent some time with Kam, being happy, because there need to be moments of that, too, in our lives.

Today I might be pregnant. So I'd better enjoy it. Because later I might find out I am pregnant, and if that's the case, I'll be glad I didn't waste time worrying over something that didn't happen. I'll be glad I started making happy memories of this pregnancy already, because I just can't know how much time I have to do that. I'll be glad I was already celebrating the possibility of another baby in our future, instead of obsessing over what could go wrong.

Today I might be pregnant. And I'm content with that.

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