Friday, September 4, 2015

August Update

I feel grief but not hopelessness. And that is an unexpected, but welcome change.

The past two weeks have been really hard. On top of normal stressors like Kam going back to school (I swear I have a melt down every time Kam has to go back to school) and the dogs getting into trouble, we've been getting confusing and disappointing news from the doctor every few days.

We had reasons to have hope, and then we had reasons to have that hope dashed.

But it isn't. In fact, I feel more hope now than I did two months ago, when all of this started. I have every reason to fear, to worry, to give up. And honestly, two of those three reactions come very naturally to me. But instead I feel peaceful.

Somehow I am still convinced good things are going to happen. Somehow I just know there's a miracle in store for us. I don't know what it is, or how it's coming, or even how I can still believe in it. But there it is in my heart anyway.

It's something like finding happiness in Liam's life even after he died. It comes more easily now, and it surprises me how much joy can come from having him even though he's not here with us. I don't know how it's even possible, and yet... I think of him and my heart rejoices more than it aches. The spot that longs for him quiets in knowing that he exists. It shouldn't be enough. Really, it isn't. But somehow, I'm surviving, and even more than that, I'm living even after he's gone.

It's been a long five months. We've gotten more than our share of bad news, and it seems like any more bad news should cause us to collapse in on ourselves. But somehow, we're bearing the weight.

But things are going to change. It's been a year of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, or losing pregnancies. A year is a long time to be holding your breath for something. I can't hold my breath anymore.

This next year will be about Kam and Liam and I. It'll be about trying new things. And about rediscovering old things. It'll be about date nights and family projects. It'll be about dog parks and evening walks in the city. It'll be about resetting and recharging. It'll be about appreciating all of the things our little family has to enjoy right now.

I can't say my heart isn't still pained by everything we've been through in the past few months. But pain and joy aren't exclusive of eachother. In fact, most of the sources of pain the past few months have also brought me some measure of joy, Liam being the prime example. But even the trials of the past two weeks have brought me a renewed perspective I might otherwise have missed. It's hard to be grateful for the trials we have faced, but I am grateful for the blessings of peace and understanding that we've felt through these challenges. Being able to survive this at all is a miracle in itself.

We are grateful for everyone's prayers. I can say I've felt the effects of them. The peace I feel now is unnatural in the best way and I attribute a large part of that to your prayers.

Liam's due date is less than a week away. I look forward to celebrating his life that day and appreciate everyone who has shown support for that event. Remembering him is one of the most healing things I can do.

Thanks also goes to those who check for these updates in an effort to better understand how to help us. This post is for you.

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