Thursday, September 10, 2015

My Baby Boy

From the very first day of this year I knew this day, Sept. 9, 2015 would be important.

I thought this was the day my baby would be due. I thought, if I wasn't holding him on this day, I'd be holding him very soon. And it's really easy to be angry that I'm not holding him now, and I won't be holding him soon. But I choose not to focus on that today.

I looked forward to today believing a lot of things would be different. But one thing hasn't changed. I thought that today I would love and adore my son, and I do.

I love him today, and I love him tomorrow, and I love him yesterday. I love him forever.

The love makes the anger sting a little less. I wish things could be different. But they can't be... and if they can't be... I don't want them to be.

My son is incredible. And beautiful. And magical. And I'm as proud of him as any other mother could be proud of her son. I wouldn't change anything about him. If he had to change in order to be here with me, I wouldn't ask him to do it. Of course, I wish the universe would somehow allow him to be here without anything changing, but that isn't possible...

Except that sometimes it is. Sometimes when Kam and I are driving to a family outing, and we're relaxed and enjoying ourselves, I just feel a sort of three-ness. He's with us somehow.

And occasionally, I feel like all three of us are happy about the same thing at the same time. Like over this past weekend, when we went to Bear Lake, and Kam was tubing with my cousin, Ryan, and I was in the boat holding Ryan's daughter on my lap because she was anxious about her dad being out in the water. As the boat sped up, I tried to cheer up his little girl by yelling, "Yay, Daddy!" as he got tossed around by the boat. But I was watching Kam making faces and laughing and taunting the boat driver and thinking of what a goofball of a dad he is, and I just thought Liam and I both were looking at him with love in our eyes and thinking, "Yay, Daddy!"

Today could have been a hard day. Maybe it even should have been a hard day. But instead, it's been an incredibly peaceful day. I've had the benefit of an entire day dedicated to remembering my son. And I've has the blessing of having many loving friends and family members remember him with me. Not even death can fully take Liam away. He will always be our baby, and in that way he will always be with us. Remembering him makes him feel closer. Thank you for remembering him with me.

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