Friday, September 18, 2015


Why should I have to be the one made uncomfortable?

I have to listen to your comments, too. I have to answer your questions. You don't question whether asking if I have any children will make my heart sink. You don't think before you complain about your child's fussy behavior. You don't consider my feelings when you openly discuss the surprise pregnancy that's so inconvenient for you, or the fear you have of conceiving twins, or your newborn baby who was born on my stillborn son's due date.

You talk openly, without thinking. And maybe that's okay. These are your children. This is your pride and joy. Of course you want to share. And who am I to stop you?

But then--who are you to silence me?

What about my child? My pride and joy? What about when I want to share?

Why should I have to pause before mentioning my son's name? Why should I have to bite my tongue when my son's birthday or due date comes up in conversation? Why should I have to refrain from expressing my own complaints--that I have never had a fussy baby, that of three wanted conceptions none resulted in a living baby, that I have struggled to conceive a singleton and would be overjoyed if I found out I was miraculously expecting octuplets. That I should be announcing my newborn baby right now, too.

I am just as proud of the name we chose for him as you are of the name in your email announcement. I want to tell the story of his name as much as any parent. I am just as proud of my son's features as you are of the face in the photo attached. He has my husband's brow and my upper lip. I am just as proud that he was born, and I treasure his birthday just as you remember your children's births. I have a birth story to tell that to the right listener is more sweet than it is bitter.

I have a beautiful, wonderful son whom I adore. I have experienced intense heartbreak, but that does not phase my love for him. Why, when you ask me if I have children, should I be expected to lie to you?

To make you feel comfortable?

Why should I have to be the one made uncomfortable?

Isn't it enough that my baby died?

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