Thursday, May 7, 2015

The Need to be Excited Again

I worry a little about posting this not because it's raw or painful, but because it's almost too hopeful. I'm afraid of a lot of things coming out of this... jynxing myself, having my beliefs challenged, causing concern over my coping mechanisms, getting flooded with conception advice, offending others who are still grieving... One of my biggest worries, though, is that others will assume this means I'm "okay" now. As much as I think we'd all like and might even expect that, it's not happening today. I'm not even sure what it means. Something I never understood before I lost Liam was just how present happiness and sadness can be in one heart at the same time. With all that said, I'm going to continue to be hopeful and post anyway.


Sometimes I imagine my next baby. I like to try to be optimistic and most of me really does believe that I'll have one. And if I really am going to have another baby, I'd like to get excited about that prospect, like I used to be excited. I used to be excited about all of the babies I imagined having, not just Liam. But now it seems hard to be excited about anyone else. On a good day, a really cute onesie just makes me hope heaven will have witty onesies and matching outfits for Liam and Kam. On a bad day... I don't want to imagine ever having another baby at all; Liam's the only one that can fill my void. So while scrolling through pinterest looking for "cute baby things" seems to be a lost cause (I've tried it. I want it to work.), I still can't help but think about the other babies that I believe I will have.

I feel like I owe something to them. But I also feel guilty about getting excited over them instead of crying over Liam. It makes it nearly impossible to do. But when I'm fair with myself I acknowledge that Liam would want for me to be happy and excited over his siblings as much as anyone else would. He'd be excited too, if he were here. Maybe he is excited.

I am their mother just as much as I am Liam's. I just haven't met them yet. And in a way, they're all equally far away right now. I just miss the one I know the best, and I know I'll have to wait the longest to see again. That's fair. But these other babies do deserve something from me. Maybe it's ok not to be excited about them yet. I know it's ok to mourn. But when they do come, I'll want to be excited instead of worried or afraid or angry. I want them to get all the attention I gave Liam when I was still naive and giddy about pregnancy. But right now it almost sounds like a burden. As much as I really do want to feel that way, actually achieving it seems unattainable.

But there is one thing that makes me hopeful, and almost excited. When I imagine my next baby, I imagine a little girl. She's brass and energetic and rascally. She doesn't sit still, and it's difficult to have a serious conversation with her. She's a rebel without a cause. But she's extremely passionate about life, and she loves deeply. She demands attention.

Honestly, she scares me a little.

She sounds exactly like what I need right now. And I don't know if that's because she's out there and she is what I need right now, or if my brain just knows what I want to hear at this hard time. Either way, I like the thought of having a baby who makes her own excitement and demands my attention. She wouldn't allow me to miss out on the other experiences I have always wanted to have, just because I'm holding out for one very important one. I hope she is out there. She would stretch me farther than I think I can go, but I think I need the pull.

And maybe we're just what a little girl like that needs. We're learning patience, and probably a whole lot of other things I don't understand yet. And there's no doubt she'd be wanted. She'd be prayed and wished and worried into existence. She'd have the perfect older brother watching over her, and I sometimes think she'd desperately need that. The idea that this could all actually be what our whole family needs and was meant to be, that actually is exciting. I know I thought my plan was better. Sometimes I still think so. But I'm happy to be wrong. I'd be very very happy to find out this is better than it seems, and even better than I planned.

So, while images of tiny dresses and pinterest parenting tips don't do it for me anymore, I am excited. If she's out there... Come down, baby girl, because I want to meet you.

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