I often think about a pivotal moment in my life when Kam and I were first getting to know each other. He and I had been on a few dates, and I really liked him, and I'd told him that. I also told him I was scared because I had just broken up with my last boyfriend less than 2 weeks before, and I wasn't planning on dating anyone seriously again any time soon. Kam was very supportive, and I remember he said, "Well, what do you want?" And I was surprised at the question and said I didn't know. He replied, "That's ok. Sometimes it's hard to know what you want. Just let me know." He made it sound so simple.
I spent the next few days trying to figure that out. I knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to have my heartbroken again. But I also didn't want to miss out on Kam. He was like no one else I'd ever met and I was sure he'd make some other girl happy if I didn't take this chance, and I really didn't like the idea of missing out on being that girl. But how could I know it wouldn't end the way my last relationship had? What I had just been through was the hardest, darkest part of my life up to that point (which almost makes me laugh now, but when I think back about the way I felt, it really was a big deal at the time). I couldn't imagine going through that again. I sometimes felt like I'd barely survived last time, literally. I was afraid I wouldn't be strong enough to handle it a second time.
But what if this was good? Would I always wonder what might have been if I didn't try this out? I could let him pass me by, and I'm sure I would survive. But how much would I have missed out on? Would I always regret that?
I remember where I was when I decided what I wanted. I remember walking to class, praying silently, "I'm going to try this. Stop me if it's wrong. And if it doesn't work out, and I'm just supposed to learn something from this, just please don't let anything really bad happen." Basically, I was just pleading that I would survive it. I know that doesn't sound like a very romantic way to feel about starting a relationship, but that's just how scared I was. And it took everything in me to decide I wanted the chance to be with him more than I wanted to feel safe. But that is what I wanted.
I honestly consider that the best decision of my life, not only because of how incredibly it worked out, but because of how much faith it took at the time. That moment changed a lot of the course of my life not only because it allowed Kam to be a part of it, but because it changed a piece of my character forever. It took a different kind of faith than I'd ever had before. I didn't have faith that everything would work out for the best. I just had faith that I could move forward without being afraid and that God would somehow allow me to survive whatever came next. That was all I asked for and all I expected. I remember asking Kam after we'd been dating for about a month whether he thought this was just a fling, because I honestly didn't know. (He was, of course, not very happy about that assumption.) I had decided to go for it even though I had no idea what was going to happen. And then God blessed me with more than I ever imagined. Because sometimes things do go right.
I've been thinking about this a lot today.
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